I Don't Know What I Want
by TReid
Summary: Catherine receives some shocking news and shares it with Vartann
1. 1 I Don't Know What I Want

_**Okay, I wrote this quickly this morning after watching "Wild Life". I am so mad at both of them right now but especially Vartann. He was really cold hearted this week!**_

He hadn't spoken to her in almost 2 weeks. She was the one who gave him the ultimatum _"call me when you decide"_. He just couldn't call her; he didn't want to seem weak. She was, however, all he could think about. He missed her, her smile, her laugh, but mostly holding her in his arms.

As he pulled into the lab's parking lot he saw her car. He hesitated but knew he had to go inside. Nick had some new evidence that he needed to see. As he walked by her office he saw that she was on the phone. He stopped to watch her; she didn't notice him. As she hung up the phone she rubbed her forehead and started to cry. He could see the tears falling down her cheeks causing his heart to break a little more.

He knocked on the door to her office. Not knowing it was him she answered come in as she wiped the tears from her eyes. "Hey, are you okay"? Not really, she replied as she looked down at the paperwork on her desk. Once again her tears began to fall, this time hitting the papers she had been working on.

Before she realized what was happening he was at her side wrapping his arms around her. She was now sobbing as her head was buried in his neck. He begged her, "please, tell me what's wrong". She looked at him like she was unsure and then he said it; "Come on Catherine, no more secrets, please". She wasn't sure whether or not to be mad at him or to just tell him what was wrong. She decided to tell him.

I'm pregnant, was all that she could say as she pulled away from him.

He was stunned; "what, are you sure"? Yes, my doctor just confirmed it. I am almost 4 weeks along.

I'm sorry. I want you to know that I didn't plan this. I know things haven't been good for us lately and I won't blame you if you don't want to stick around.

"Catherine, things may not work out for us but I will do whatever it takes to be there for our child; if that's what you want".

She walked away from him and simply said, right now I don't know what I want.


	2. 2 Stay With Me

Stay With Me

Over the next 2 months Catherine and Lou seldom saw each other. They didn't have any cases together; Brass new they each need space so he had purposely kept them on different cases.

Lou never called her but did text her often to see if there was anything she needed. She would always reply stating that she was fine and didn't need his help. But she was only kidding herself. She needed him; she needed his arms around her. She had been sick almost every day and it was taking a toll on her.

Today was no different. She was working a case with Nicky when she had to leave the building; the smell of the decomp was more than she could take causing her to run outside to get some fresh air. After a few minutes he came out to check on her.

"Catherine, are you okay"? Yeah Nicky, the smell was just a little too much for me. Sorry, I'm coming back in. "Hey, I know it's none of my business but are you pregnant", he asked her? She knew the time would come when she had to tell him but didn't think that it would be for a few more months. She looked down at the ground and quietly answered yes. "Does anyone else know"? No, just you and Lou and I want to keep it that way for a while. "You got it boss lady" he replied as they smiled at each other.

Later that afternoon as she was returning to the lab she really wasn't feeling well. She ran to the bathroom to throw up and it was then that she realized she was bleeding. Panic stricken she called her doctor who advised her to go to the ER immediately. On her way out of the building she stopped long enough to tell Nick what was going on. He asked her if she needed a ride to the hospital but she assured him that she was okay to drive; reluctantly he let her go.

As she lay in the hospital waiting to be seen the nurse came back to check on her." Ms. Willows there is a Lou Vartann in the lobby asking about you. Is it okay if he comes back to see you", she asked?

Catherine thought about it for a minute and against her better judgment said yes. With that the nurse quickly left and returned shortly with Lou by her side.

The first thing she noticed was how scared he looked. How did you know I was here she asked him? "Nick called me and I got here as fast as I could. Do you know anything yet"? No the doctor hasn't been in to see me.

He looked at her; she looked so pale and tired. He was scared. He knew that if she lost the baby there would be no more connection between them and that was his worst fear.

Just then the doctor walked in the room and looked over her chart. "Okay Catherine, we are going to do an ultrasound to see what's going on.

"Is it alright if I stay, he asked"? She took his hand in hers and answered, yes, please stay with me.


	3. 3 The Conversation

3 The Conversation

Before any images appeared on the monitor the baby's heartbeat filled the room. The doctor looked at both of them and smiled "it sounds strong, that's a good sign". Lou squeezed her hand and she smiled listening to the sound of her baby's heart beat, their baby's heartbeat.

"Everything looks okay Catherine but I am still concerned. Considering the dangers of your job and your age I am going to recommend that you stay on bed rest for a while. We will re-evaluate everything in a month". Catherine knew better than to argue. She just hoped that somehow things were salvageable with Lou.

After the doctor left the room there was an awkward silence between Catherine and Lou. Each one wanted desperately to apologize to the other but their stubbornness kept them from doing so.

"I need to get dressed would you mind giving me some privacy", she asked of him. "Yeah sure, I'll wait for you in the lobby".

A few minutes later Catherine met Lou in the lobby." Listen Lou, I think that we really need to talk but I don't want to argue anymore, do you think that we could go to my place and talk about us"? "I'll meet you there" he replied as he softly kissed her cheek.

Back at her place Catherine waited impatiently for Lou to arrive. She was beginning to wonder what was taking him so long. He had left the hospital when she did and she had been home for almost 15 minutes. She was about to call him when she saw his truck pull into the driveway. When she opened the door he was holding a bag from her favorite deli. As he stepped inside he bent down to place a kiss on her abdomen before handing her the bag causing her to smile.

"I figured that you might be hungry so I stopped to get your favorite, club sandwich no bacon". She laughed at him; see you do know me pretty well. He then got serious." I want to know everything about you, good or bad but I want you to tell me when you are ready. So what I guess I am trying to say is that I am sorry for the way that I acted. I was an ass and I hope that you can forgive me. It's just really important to me that you trust me".

With tears in her eyes she looked him in the eye and said "I'm sorry too, I should have told you about the casino it's just that I have never been able to trust anyone and it's hard for me to share my personal life. I promise I will work on that."

She noticed that he was staring at her and she asked him what was wrong. "Nothing, I was just thinking about how much I want to kiss you". "Well stop thinking about it and do it" she laughed as she pulled him closer. He moved his hands to her face and kissed her passionately making her tremble. He then picked her up and carried her to the couch and gently sat her down before sitting beside her.

As they sat on her couch and shared the sandwich they couldn't take their eyes off of each other. When she finished eating she quietly asked him how he felt about her being pregnant unsure about what his response would be.


	4. 4 Babytalk

**Sorry it took so long to update—I have finals this week and have been studying like a mad fool!**

Baby Talk

_She wants to know how I feel about her being pregnant? I had to think for a minute before I answered her question. God knows I don't want her pissed off at me again. It's not that I'm upset that she's pregnant but I just don't want her taking anything that I say the wrong way. _

"I have to admit that I was surprised. I mean, I thought that we were careful you know"? She laughed at me. _God I love her laugh; it's one of my favorite things about her. _"We were careful except for that night you had your wicked way with me in the parking garage of the Bellagio". "Oh yeah, I remember we did have a good time that night" I said as I laughed back at her.

_We had just finished eating dinner. As I sat across from her I couldn't stop staring at her; she looked so beautiful tonight. On our way to the car I couldn't keep my hands off of her. She was laughing as I fumbled for my keys. Then I took her by surprise when I pushed her in the back seat and climbed in with her, kissing her neck as she moaned my name. I couldn't wait to be with her, she always knows just how to turn me on. I slid my hand up her thigh_

Suddenly I was brought back to the moment when Catherine called my name and put her hand on my face. "Hey where did you go she asked"? "Sorry, I was just thinking back to that night" I told her as I smiled sheepishly. "It's okay, but I really do need to know how you feel about this" she replied. I could see a little bit of fear in her eyes.

"Honestly Catherine, I'm a little scared. I mean neither one of us is that young and I am fully aware of the dangers that could lie ahead of us. What if something is physically wrong with the baby or what if something was to happen to you? I don't think I could live with myself if it ended up that way. And it's not like I was a great father the first time around. I just don't want to be a disappointment to you or our child".

I felt her hand on my shoulder, rubbing it gently. "Lou, it's not like I was ever mother of the year myself so I guess we should look at this as a second chance. It is an opportunity for us to have something really amazing".

"You're right, you always are" I told her as I pulled her into my arms and held her. We were so close I could feel her heart beating against my chest. It felt good to be holding her again. I had missed her so much. "So are we okay"? I asked her. "Yeah", she answered as she snuggled closer to me.

We laid there for what seemed like hours even though it was only a few minutes, both of us content to be in each other's arms. She was the first to break the silence when she sat up and said "let's go to bed it will be more comfortable than this couch".

When I slipped into bed she was already there; lying on her side facing me. I could see her small baby bump beginning to show through her nightgown and bent down to kiss it before moving up to kiss her lips. After the kiss was over she smiled at me and asked "do you want a boy or a girl"?


	5. 5 Growing Closer

_Thanks for all of the reviews—I hope you enjoy this next chapter!_

Growing closer

Lou admitted to Catherine that he didn't mind if they had a boy or a girl while Catherine admitted to wanting a boy. She also told him that she didn't know what to think about her pregnancy at first but when she heard the baby's heartbeat at the hospital everything changed right there on the spot. She was excited to be pregnant and was thrilled that he was the father.

Over the next few months Lou went out of his way to make sure that Catherine had plenty of visitors while she was home on bed rest. Her doctor had decided to keep her home until the baby was born. At first Catherine was disappointed but ended up enjoying all of the attention that she was receiving. Lou had decreed that her house was to be the home of Monday night football. Her crew would meet every week to watch the game before heading off to work. Catherine never much cared for football but she knew that Lou loved the game and she loved that he had her friends come to visit her every week.

Lou and Catherine were growing closer every day. Each day when he would get home from work they would lie in bed and talk for what seemed like hours. They would both share stories from their past with each other. Catherine told him all about her past as an exotic dancer and her cocaine habit while Lou told her about coming home from work one day to find his wife in bed with another cop. She realized then why he had been so jealous when he saw her hugging Jared at the Eclipse; she knew firsthand what it felt like to be cheated on.

Catherine was now six months pregnant and she was scheduled for an ultrasound. Lou was going with her and she was hoping that today would be the day they would learn the sex of their baby. She had been instructed to drink several glasses of water and was complaining to Lou about having to go to the bathroom.

"I sure as hell hope that Dr. Moore isn't behind schedule, I have to pee like a racehorse" Catherine complained on the way into the Dr's office. Lou laughed at her, "relax baby and try to think of something

else. "Whatever", she replied. "

Fortunately for both of them the doctor was right on schedule and Catherine was taken into the exam room right away. When Dr. Moore was ready to start the ultrasound Lou came into the room and was holding Catherine's hand when he saw the image appear on the monitor. They could see the baby pretty clearly and it appeared to be sucking its thumb. Catherine let out a small gasp and squeezed Lou's hand at the sight. They both were teary eyed seeing the miracle before them.

"The baby looks great and appears to weigh between 3 ½ and 4 pounds right now. That is normal. Now do you want to know what the baby's sex is"? Dr. Moore asked them both. "Yes", Catherine blurted out before Lou could say anything. Lou chuckled and answered "absolutely".

"Okay", the doctor replied "see this" pointing at the screen? "It's a boy".

Lou looked down at Catherine and saw the tears rolling down her face knowing those were the three words she had wanted to hear.


	6. 6 Ready or Not

Getting Ready

God sometimes I really hate being pregnant. I shouldn't really say that it's just that I can't sleep and I am so uncomfortable. How can he lay there and sleep so soundly? I watch him sleep for a little while then I decide to get up and walk around, maybe that will help.

I walk down the hall to the nursery, Lou and Nicky did such a great job getting the room ready. The chocolate brown and blue looks so nice together. Everything matches just perfectly. Lou bought everything that I had picked out. I think he thought that I went a little overboard but he knew better than to argue with me. To tell the truth I think that he enjoyed it more than he let on. Now if I could only get him to agree with me on the name.

I want to name the baby Louis Anthony Vartann, Jr. and Lou wants no part of that. He prefers Andrew James Vartann. We have bickered back and forth for the better part of a month over this and it is making me nuts! I swear, sometimes that man drives me crazy but I do love him so very much. No man has ever been so good to me.

As I sit in the rocking chair I think about how my life will change soon. The baby is due in 5 weeks and I have to admit that I am getting a little nervous about it. I haven't told Lou about the complications that I had when Lindsey was born; he doesn't do well with drama and I don't want to worry him. After all, maybe things will be easier this time. I feel the baby start to kick. He has been pretty active lately; it makes me wonder how I am going to handle chasing him around when he starts walking.

I yawn and realize just how tired I am. I head back to our bedroom. Lou is still sleeping as I lie down and snuggle against him. He pulls me in closer to him and rests his hand on our baby as he softly kisses my neck. I smile as I drift off to sleep.

A few hours later I wake up alone. I see a note on his nightstand and slide over to pick it up as I can no longer roll over due to my huge pregnant stomach. I swear if I get any bigger I'm gonna explode!

_Catherine, got called into work hope to be home soon, x Lou._ I sigh and start to get out of bed when it hits me and I almost double over from the pain. My water has broken and I'm having contractions.

Shit, it's too early. Where is my phone? I need to call Lou. I am panicking.

Okay calm down Catherine, You've done this before I tell myself. Taking a deep breath I search for my Blackberry; there is it. I dial Lou's number and wait impatiently for him to answer. _Vartann_. Baby my water broke and I am in labor please come home I got out just as another contraction hit. Oh God, please hurry. I could hear the panic in his voice as he spoke, _I'm on my way._

It only took him ten minutes to get home but it seemed like hours. I was dressed and waiting for him when he ran in the front door. He had a panicked look on his face and when our eyes met he knew that I was scared as well. It's too early I blurted out as he helped me to the car. _It's okay; let's just get to the _

_hospital. _

By the time that we arrived at the hospital the contractions were getting stronger and closer together.

This baby wants out now I screamed as my strongest contraction yet hit me almost bringing me to my knees. Lou grabbed me as one of the nurses brought a wheelchair for me and headed for the delivery room.


	7. 7 Here He Is

As they entered the delivery suite Catherine noticed that it wasn't her doctor who was waiting for them. "Catherine, I'm Dr. Lee, the on-call physician tonight. It looks like your little boy is ready to make an appearance". "But it's too early" Catherine replied in a fearful voice.

"It's okay", Dr Lee replied. "I have a team from the NICU that will be here shortly and they will do everything that they can to make sure your baby is fine. However, I want to make you aware that when he is born they will take him right away and once he is stable you will be able to see him".

The thought of not being able to hold her baby was a lot for Catherine to take in but she knew that it was all for the best. Just as she was about to speak her strongest contraction yet hit her. "Oh God, I need to push" she yelled as she grabbed for Lou. "Okay Catherine, it looks like we are all set to go. Lou, your job is to be supportive and keep her calm okay". Alright Catherine, give me a big push. You're baby boy is almost here".

Catherine took a deep breath and with Lou's arms around her for support she pushed as hard as she could. "You're doing great, I can see the baby's head" the doctor stated as he smiled and looked up at both of them. "Keep pushing". "I can't" Catherine cried out. "You can do it babe, you're the strongest person I know" Lou told her as she leaned her head against him.

"Come on, one more big push and we will have the head out. On the count of 3; 1, 2, 3 okay push as hard as you can". Catherine pushed as hard as she could. Lou could feel her body tremble as Dr. Lee exclaimed "the head is out". Catherine, one more big push and your baby will be here okay". "I, I can't" Catherine cried."I feel so weak". Lou noticed that she looked really pale and her breathing was becoming ragged. "Come on babe just hold on to me. We will get through this together". Lou wrapped his arms around her. To Catherine it felt like Lou was trying to give her his strength. Catherine pushed with all of her might crying out as the doctor stated here he is and held up the baby for them to see. "He looks so tiny" Catherine exclaimed looking up at Lou with tears in her eyes. "He looks perfect but I'm going to have the NICU staff check him out just to make sure".

As the doctor handed the baby off to the nurse Catherine couldn't hold on any longer and started crying devastated that she didn't get to hold her son. After they were alone in her room Lou sat on the edge of the bed and held her while she cried saying everything that he could think of to try and comfort her. As he gently rubbed her back and rocked her he could hear her breathing even out knowing that she had fallen asleep. He gently laid her down and sat in the chair next to her bed. He wasn't usually an emotional man but he hated to see her like this. She was his whole world and all he wanted was for her to be happy.

He must have drifted off to sleep without realizing it and when he woke up he couldn't help but smile as he saw Catherine holding their son.

_Happy New Year's everyone!_


	8. 8 His Name

He watched them quietly for a few moments taking in the scene of her and their son bonding. She was beautiful and looked so happy. He was tiny and looked so contented in her arms. His little hand was wrapped around her index finger as he lay sleeping. The usually unemotional detective realized what a lucky man he was.

She realized that he was watching them and smiled at him. He moved closer to her and kissed her forehead. "The doctor brought him in about 15 minutes ago. She said that he is fine except his weight is a little low. He is about 4 ½ pounds but they are going to let him stay here with me until we go home tomorrow night. Would you like to hold him?" she asked.

As he took his son in his arms he smiled and looked at her "we did good didn't we!" She smiled as she replied "yeah, we did." She placed her hand on his cheek prompting him to look at her again; "Thank you" she said "he's the best gift you could ever give me." They shared a tender kiss before he replied "I love you both more than you will ever know." They both sat in silence for a few while watching their son sleep.

Lou studied the baby's face for a few minutes "you know he doesn't look like an Andrew James to me". She laughed, "Are you saying that I'm going to win the battle of the names?" He laughed back at her. "Maybe we can compromise; if we name him after me can we call him Tony instead of Lou?" She thought about it for a moment before running her hand across the head of the baby sleeping in his father's arms and softly said, "Hey Tony it's your mom, welcome to our family sweet baby".

"Do you want me to call everyone and let them know that you are both okay?" She shook her head and said "just Lindsey and my mom. I only want our family here tonight." Lou handed Tony back to Catherine and called Lily to let her know that she was a grandmother again. She was thrilled when he told her that Louis Anthony Vartann, Jr. had arrived but was sorry that she was stuck on a cruise ship in Mexico and promised to visit as soon as she returned home. Lindsey was ecstatic. Catherine could hear her shouts of joy all the way across the room. She told Lou that she was planning to fly home and surprise Catherine and she made him promise not to tell her. He agreed to keep her secret and hung up the phone.

As Lou watched Catherine nursing their son he knew that his life was only missing one thing and he would take care of that once they were home.


	9. 9 Home

The next evening Lou and Catherine took Tony home. Lindsey had kept her word and was sitting on the couch when Catherine walked in with baby Tony. Seeing her brought tears to Catherine's eyes; having both of her children together for the first time meant the world to her! She hugged Lindsey and introduced her to her new brother. As they sat on the couch oohing and ahhing over Tony a smiling Lou watched them from the doorway. In all of the years that he had known Catherine he couldn't remember her ever looking so happy. It made him feel so good to see her like this.

Unknowing to the girls he grabbed his camera and snapped a few pictures of his family. The usually callous detective was quickly becoming a soft hearted family man and it felt good. He knew that Catherine truly was the one that he wanted to come home to and having Tony with her was just a bonus.

She spied him watching her and flashed him a million dollar smile; it made his heart melt. Lindsey saw the way that they were looking at each other and couldn't help but smile. She was glad that her mom had finally found happiness. Just as Lou was about to speak Lindsey's cell phone rang and she jumped up to grab it. "Hey, yeah I can be ready in an hour. Great, I'll see you then."

"Linds, what was that all about?" Catherine asked as she hung up the phone.

"I have a date and I need to go get ready."

"A date with whom?"

"Greg" Lindsey replied.

"Greg Sanders? Good lord I hope not" Catherine exclaimed.

"Mom, he has been my online tutor since I started at USC and we are just friends. We are going to Lavo at the Palazzo. You know Greg and you know that he won't let anything happen to me so don't worry. I promise not to get into any trouble."

As Lindsey ran upstairs to get ready Catherine looked at Lou "Please tell me that boys are easier than girls!" Lou chuckled at her as Tony began to fuss in her arms. "My little prince beckons. I think he's hungry. I'm going to feed him and get him to bed."

Leaning over to kiss his son goodnight Lou asked if he could help her with anything. "I'm starving could you make me something to eat she asked?"

"You bet" he replied as he kissed her cheek and headed off towards the kitchen.

As Catherine finished putting Tony to bed Lou walked into the baby's room. "Hey, dinner is almost ready".

"Good because I'm starving! I'll be right there babe."

As Catherine entered the kitchen she couldn't believe her eyes. The table was set for a romantic candle lit dinner. As her eyes adjusted to the dimly lit room she searched for Lou and found him standing at the stove. She walked up behind him and wrapper her arms around his waist. He smiled and turned to kiss her before walking to the table with their dinner.

"Oh baby this tastes so good!"

He laughed, "glad you like it."

"Mmm, I didn't realize how hungry I was" she stated as he cleared the plates from the table. He placed a kiss on the top of her head and walked to the sink. When he walked back towards her he had a small gift bag in his hands. "What's in the bag?" she asked. He sat the bag down in front of her and replied "something I should have given you a long time ago. Open it". She took the bag and pulled out a purple velvet jewelry box giving him a confused look. "Go on, open it" he told her again. She opened the box and gasped at what she saw. A one carat marquis cut diamond ring with two quarter carat diamonds on each side of it. She looked up at Lou with watery eyes. He knelt down in front of her and started to talk. "This ring is more than just an engagement ring. It was designed to be a symbol of our love for each other and for our family. The large diamond in the center represents you, our foundation. The two diamonds on the right represent me and Jake while the two diamonds on the left represent Lindsey and Tony. As he looked up at her he could see the tears rolling down her face. I know that in the past you told me that you never wanted to marry again but I really want to be the one to change your mind. He moved his hands to her face to wipe away her tears and continued to speak "You make me a better man Catherine and I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy."

Catherine placed her hands on his face "Detective Vartann, are you getting all soft hearted and mushy on me, she asked?"

He smiled and whispered "Don't tell anyone."

She laughed as she replied "You're secret's safe with me and if you're asking me to marry you the answer is yes."

He took her hand and put the ring on her finger and then pulled her into him and kissed her passionately.


	10. 10 The Party

Her house was full of people and laughter.

As he looked around the living room he could see several of their co-workers and some friends of hers that he didn't know. Then she caught his eye. She truly looked beautiful, wearing a pale blue dress and holding their son. Her smile was larger than life. He knew that this was the time to say something.

He walked to the middle of the room and started to speak. "I want to thank all of you for being here tonight to share in the celebration of our son's birth. Catherine and I feel so blessed to have all of you in our lives. And, I know that you all thought that this was just a party to celebrate Tony's birth but I have one more announcement to make." Lou turned towards Catherine and continued. "Yesterday I asked Catherine to marry me and believe it or not she said yes." This caused several people in the room to laugh.

Nick spoke up "Congratulations to you both. You deserve all the happiness in the world".

"Thanks." Lou replied and pulled Catherine towards him as he continued to speak "As I was saying, she said yes and this afternoon at one o'clock we were married. So I'd like to be the first to introduce all of you to my wife, Catherine Vartann."

The room exploded with a round of thunderous applause and one by one everyone came over to congratulate the happy couple. Sara seemed particularly happy that Catherine and Lou were married; a little too happy in Catherine's opinion but she let it go.

A few hours later Catherine and Lou were alone again. Tony had just gone to sleep; Catherine was lying in their bed as he walked into the room. "You missed a call" she told him as he sat down on the edge of the bed.

He picked up his phone and read the message. _Lou, not sure if you would be interested but I have an opening for Chief of Police here in Pasadena and you were the first person that I thought of. Let me know if you would like to set up an interview. Thanks, Tom._

He shook his head after reading it prompting Catherine to ask him what was wrong. He handed her his phone and she read the message herself. "Wow, that is a great opportunity for you babe!"

"I don't know, Pasadena? I mean we have a baby and we just got married. I'm in my comfort zone here in Vegas and besides you have a great job as well."

"Tell you what" she replied as she moved closer to him running her hand across his muscular chest. "Let's sleep on it and talk about it tomorrow. Right now I just want you to hold me for awhile." He smiled and said "Well I can definitely do that." As he pulled her into his arms she sighed and snuggled in as close as she could get taking in the scent of him. That night she fell asleep in the arms of the man who had truly shown her how good love could be.


End file.
